BPD, how to tell my parents, to my close ?
How to communicate ? How to exist ?
Do I have to tell ?
The borderline "is not", and the "none-" either
Before to ask the question "how", It would be better, I think, to ask first the question "why" ?
Why tell to a close friend with also the other part " What am I expecting" ?
You will find on the last part of this document our vision which we hope comprehensive and listening to the suffering
Meme page en Francais / Same page in french
What they say ?
Aapel view

How to tell, what they say
"Q. I would like to get an accurate diagnosis and some help with this problem. the main reason I wrote though, was to ask for your advice on how to tell my parents. I'm sure they'd help me, I just can't get myself to ask them for help.
A. First, if your parents are aware of your problems (i.e., they notice your mood changes or are aware of some of your choices or behaviors) you can let them know that you have been more concerned lately and have decided to get some professional opinions about what to do. You can then share your experiences going in to get help and perhaps share with them the diagnosis of bpd (if that is accurate). You can even tell them about what your next steps are if you wish (i.e., "I've agreed to come in to see the counselor weekly). Its at this time that you may want to ask for help.
Remember though that despite the increased public understanding and acceptance about mental illness, emotional problems, and counseling, a stigma  against the latter three things still exists. That means it is very difficult to predict how others (even your own parents) are going to react to this information. They may be very supportive, they may not. They may tell you that your problems "aren't that bad" or "you don't need that".Therefore, do yourself a favor and don't set up an expectation in your mind about how your parents are going to respond. Rather, remind yourself that you are giving them this information in case there is anyway that they can help (not prevent you from obtaining the help).
Lastly, remember that parents (9 times out of 10) will feel somewhat responsible for their child's problems and it is common for parents to either feel guilty or upset that a problem exists. That's partially the reason why many parents ask the question "how could this have happened?".Remind your parents that the question isn't how did this develop, but rather what am I going to do from here to get the right professional help. Use a physical illness such as cancer to help illustrate your point that "how" something develops (lung cancer developed due to smoking) isn't as important as finding the right treatment (lung cancer cured by chemotherapy and radiation). As you can see, the "cause" has no effect on choosing the right treatment." (mhsanctuary)

"I cannot tell you how many times I hear these same words in my email or the on the bulletin board over and over and over again by people with the BPD, 'I hurt so bad I can't stand it.' Most people think the BPD means you have more than one personality and they have never heard of the BPD. If we tell folks we have the BPD it is common to feel stigmatized" (mhsanctuary)

"Let's assume that your parents are loving, stable and have your best interests at heart. They may still unknowingly make it difficult for you to get help. There are two factors at work in this case. One is denial. No parent wants to think something is wrong with their child, especially something like mental illness which has so much stigma attached to it. They may feel guilty or deny what is happening because they feel helpless to take care of you, the second factor is lack of knowledge on their part. In this case, it's not their fault that they don't know enough, and probably just need to be educated. Once you present them with some information, they will probably be eager to get help for you."
"Let's assume that your parents are self-involved or have their own problems like addiction or are abusive. In this case you'll have to be strong and get help on your own. It's hard that your parents can't be there for you when you need them, but chances are that you're used to taking care of yourself. If you have disorder it's very difficult to do anything positive, but you have to get help. You can't let it ruin your life" (wingofmadness.com)

Aapel view about "how to tell", "why" and the being of the Borderline people
Here is our feeling
- The very notion of being
- About how and do I have to announce

- The very notion of being:

"Why speak about this to other people ?"
Human being is an animal which need to live in company
We need to share to exist, it is then natural to include others people, especially when we are in front of a serious problem.
So telling « understand me, help me » is totally natural
« We are who we are only in the eyes of other people and their looks are what make us come to terms with ourselves as ourselves », SARTRE, l’Etre et le Néant.
This is all the more true when we have a borderline personality disorder. Way of reasoning appearing "logical" because natural, were set up, then other's people opinion takes all its importance in order to determine if we are in truth or not.
Another way of becoming aware is when the image that we have of ourself is very different from the image that others have about you.
Of course we need to be 2 to being conscious of this out of step. A bpd people on an desert island can't be borderline, he will not have to give an image and will have no referal to compare to... You no more to be borderline, then go live on a island ! (hidden meaning)

A bpd people will have tendancy to show an image other than what this person really is (2 lifes : one with witnesses and another alone) and the « non- » which is seening only what he want to see (then to don't have to ask himself about the situation).

"The borderline people does not exist, HE IS NOT"
Je ne sais plus qu’elle auteur disait la phrase « on n’existe que par les autres », peut-être était-ce Sartre ou alors quelqu’un du genre Descartes…
Cette phrase signifie que l’on ne peut avoir conscience d’exister que si l’on a le regard d’autrui pour vous renvoyer votre propre image
Le problème avec une personne borderline est double
- Elle renvoie non pas l’image d’elle-même mais l’image que l’on attends d’elle. La société n’acceptant aucune différence (he / she has no other choice to survive)
- Bien souvent elle ne sait pas exactement qui elle est
Dans ces conditions, comment exister dans le regard de l’autre, si l’autre ne vous voit pas vous mais une simple image bien loin d’une réalité !
Ce qui fait que bien souvent, dans votre propre entourage personne ne sait que vous existez, personne ne vous connaît, personne ne sait qui vous êtes, personne ne comprends votre détresse. Ceci compte certainement pour une grande part dans votre souffrance, le fait que vous soyez seul(e) même au milieu d’une foule.
Vous n’existez pas comme « vous », même aux yeux de ceux que vous aimez ou qui vous aiment, et cela ne peut être que très douloureux

"And for the close friend, the 'non-', it is the same problem, he cannot exist"
Pour le proche qui ne veut ou qui ne peut qu'exister que dans le regard de la personne borderline (bref qu'il l'aime), la situation est fort peu différente
Tantôt adulé(e), tantôt voué(e) aux flammes de l'enfer, telle est l'image que lui renvoi la personne borderline. Alors même que sa situation de "non-" pouvait laisser supposer que sa propre image était stable, l'être aimé (et borderline) devient alors non pas une personne renforçant ce qu'il / elle est mais source d'interrogations. On peut dire en cela qu'il y a une sorte de "contagion". Le proche se trouve ainsi lui aussi en perpétuel décalage entre sa propre image et l'image violemment fluctuante que lui renvoi autrui (borderline). C'est ainsi que le "non-" n'existe plus !

- How and do I have to announce ?

"What I'm expecting from my close friend, my parents when I tell them about my problems ?"
How stupid looks like this question !
The answer seems obvious
« qu’il me comprenne »
« qu’il m’aime pour ce que je suis et non pour ce que je fais, ni pour l’image que je lui donne »
« qu’il m’aide à m’en sortir, qu’il soit un soutien, une épaule »
« qu’il me protège mais sans m’étouffer, … »
… bref je n’attends qu’une chose
« EXIST - BE and loved ! »

"Will he / she  (in my opinion) be able to help me and give me what I want ?"
Nous voilà dans une question primordiale qui reformulée pourrait-être « a quoi bon lui parler de ce dont il / elle ne veut / peut pas entendre »

"Would I have the courage to assume a defeate ?"
Il est parfois plus « vivable », supportable de vivre dans l’illusion que d’ouvrir les yeux sur une triste réalité
En prenant le risque de demander de l’aide, ce qui ne devrait pas poser « soucis » dans des situations de rapports humains « sains », vous prenez le risque de la déception, de l’absence totale de soutien, même de reproches mais aussi de « bâtons dans les roues » (obstacles)
En cas d’échec, on peut chercher à minimiser votre état, à vous convaincre que ce n’est pas si grave, qu’avec un peu de volonté vous allez vous en sortir, que dans la famille il n’y a jamais eu de « dingues », des phrases comme « et que vont dirent les voisins », des « ne compte pas sur nous pour te soutenir financièrement », etc... Il n'y a pas de limite à l'horreur...
Bref le risque est qu’ils réussissent à vous démolir un peu plus et que vous renonciez à vous faire aider alors que chaque jour vous cherchez une raison de ne pas vous "foutre en l’air".
Ce n’est pas eux qui ont raison !
Alors si vous ne vous sentez pas assez fort(e) pour assumer cela, il est alors préférable de faire toute votre démarche de traitement sans leur en parler.
C’est bien triste et révoltant mais de toutes les façons ces individus ne peuvent rien vous apporter, ils sont plus préoccupés par leur miroir que par leur entourage.
Quoiqu’il arrive conservez dans votre tête que vous cherchez leur soutien, pas leur autorisation. Si ils peuvent vous aider il ne faut pas hésiter, sinon, laissez-les tomber, vous avez assez de problèmes sans en rajouter

"I think that he / she could help me. How to tell him / her to put a maximum of chance on my side ?"
Good question...

Bien sur tout ceci n'est que suggestion et gardez en tête que si par malchance votre propre famille n'est pas à même de vous soutenir, gardez espoir car il existe des personnes qui peuvent vous aider et que la première qualité d'un bon psychothérapeute est selon moi l'empathie
I want to learn more about the AAPEL association
I want to support and help you
I want to join the association
I want to contact you

AAPEL - Back to BPD summary page

All the informations on this site are with an aim of helping to understand a "particular" disease at the very least and puzzle
But more especially to support peoples who suffer, sick or not.  In all cases, it is ESSENTIAL to have recourse to a therapist specialized in the disease to confirm or to cancel a diagnosis
Though it is the name doesn't much matter, which is important, it is to apply "the right" treatment to each patient

last update  2008